Funky Kong

History:

Funky is well-known throughout the Mushroom World as the Funkiest Dude Alive. He grew up alongside Donkey Kong on the DK Island, and was as much a brother as a friend to the Lord of the Island. He always had a much more laid back approach to life than Donkey did, though. Despite this fact, he ran a few successful businesses. Starting as a surfer, Funky was able to actually create his own Regional Airline Service, although the speed and hazards involved in his Barrel Planes turned away about all but Donkey and Diddy Kong. He was later able to branch out into mechanical repair and even did a little gun-running. He was soon sitting on enough funds to fully support his thrill-seeking personality, having never inherited the vast Banana Fortune that Donkey did.

While he never owned a course of his own, his close relationship with Donkey Kong gave him free reign of his many courses. Funky was able to invest his personal wealth instead into a massive venue, Funky Stadium, that was used for every kind of extreme sport imaginable, although he gained the most notoriety from using it for Mario Kart Battles.

Wii:

Funky makes his only appearance in Wii, and it's a lasting impression. As a large-sized character he is able to push around many of the littler racers. For each size class in Wii the drivers can choose between six Karts and six Bikes, each of which with specific stats. In addition, each character adds his or her own bonuses. Funky adds +4 Speed and +3 Off-Road. The stats for the twelve vehicles Funky may use are as follows:

While his Off-Road stat for many of the large vehicles is useless, his speed is where it's at. He has the best speed boost of any Large Character, which boosts their already impressive speed. This means that Funky in the Jetsetter is the fastest Kart in the game and he makes the Spear the fastest Bike. The abysmal handling and acceleration of these rides makes them less valuable however. If he jumps in something like the Flame Flyer or Flame Runner he is slightly more balanced while still taking great advantage of speed - and many Time Trial World Records are set with that combo.

Funky's Off-Road is useless because he's so fast on the track that skilled drivers should never be taking him Off-Road. The only Large vehicles that could take advantage of this, the Offroader and the Wario Bike, have speed so bad that they should be useless to Funky. Wario, Waluigi, King Boo, and Dry Bowser all have Off-Road stats equal to or greater than Funky's, along with other stats that support different driving styles. Funky is all-speed, and when using him you need to get ahead early and drive well enough to stay there forever. He's nasty.

His only ghost is on the Retro DK Mountain where he uses the Wario Bike in 02:57.744. Again, this doesn't really use Funky's advantages and should be beaten easily. The Expert Ghost though, upgrades to the Flame Flyer in 02:38.130. DK Mountain has enough turns to slow him down though, pick someone with comparable speed and better handling such as Daisy in the Mach Bike or Dolphin Dasher and you'll have a good shot. While Funky doesn't have any tracks named after him, he does have the Funky Stadium Battle Stage. Funky Stadium is one of only two Battle Courses named after a character (The other being Luigi's Mansion from Double Dash), although there are others associated with specific characters, especially in Mario Kart 7.

Diddy Kong

History:

Diddy is the nephew of Donkey Kong, though they aren't that different in age. Diddy's parents, Kong's brother and his wife, were killed by the Kremling Hordes shortly after Diddy was born. Therefore Diddy was raised mostly by Cranky and Wrinkly Kong along with Donkey, who matured a bit earlier. Diddy is still very much a young buck though and doesn't really own any tracks himself besides the Dino Dino Jungle, which due to its remote and dangerous location has never been very popular. He is still really a sidekick of Donkey Kong and hasn't really won that independence yet.

Double Dash:

Diddy appeared here as the default partner of Kong. Double Dash didn't place that much emphasis on Driver distinctions, more on Kart Differences. Characters only determined what Special Items they could use and ultimately what size Kart they could drive. Diddy is interesting because he's a Lightweight here while Kong is a Heavyweight, meaning that when partnered together they needed a Heavy Kart. In order for Diddy to drive his own Kart he needs to be paired with another Lightweight.

Diddy drives the Barrel Train, which stands out among Light Karts. It basically acts like a Heavy Kart, which is cool if you are in to that sort of thing. Unlike the Boo Pipes, though, which have the benefits of acting like a Light Kart while also being able to push people around, there is no real upside besides a greater ability to dodge hazards. In fact, the Barrel Train is the narrowest Vehicle in the game, which can be useful. It's also the heaviest Light Kart (12th Overall). Naturally it has the worst Acceleration of any Light Kart along with the Second-Highest Top Speed and a decent Offroad. It does have some of the best shocks and average turn speed. All in all it's okay if you're looking for a Light Kart with Speed, though it controls so stiffly you can't enjoy it that much.

Each Character in Double Dash has a personal Special Item. Diddy's is the same as Kong's - the Giant Banana. It's one of the better Items in the game for someone who likes to be in first, it creates a huge hazard for Racers coming from behind. Of course, if you're always the one in last place it's not going to help that much. Diddy is basically the Light Version of Donkey Kong, meaning he's great to be paired up with some other little guy with the Toad Kart, get in First Place early and dominate.

He is also the Secret Staff Ghost in two tracks. He leads on Dino Dino Jungle with DK in back in the Big Guy's DK Jumbo with a time of 2:00:908. For DK Mountain he switches with his Uncle in the same Kart with a time of 2:12:639.

Wii:

After missing DS Diddy returned in Wii. In this game each Character in three separate Size Classes each can drive up to Six Karts and Six Bikes. Naturally there are plenty of combinations. Diddy moved from a Lightweight to a Middleweight, although he's really not that much bigger physically. Each character also has their own Stat Bonuses to add to each Vehicle. Diddy gets a small Acceleration and Drift Bonus as well as a Mini Turbo Bonus tied with Birdo as the best among Middleweights. Therefore he's really pretty good for technical drivers on tricky courses that like to drift and boost a lot. Here are the Diddy-Specific stats:

The Classic Dragster best takes advantage of his bonuses, although he's also great in the Mach Bike. He's most associated with the Sugarscoot, which he can also be decent with. He only appears as a Staff Ghost in the Maple Treeway. It's actually a similar course to DK Mountain from Double Dash with the huge Barrel Cannon and it also takes place entirely on a system of trees. Diddy's Monkey Nature is perfectly suited for the association. The Normal Ghost pulls a 02:58.633 in the Classic Dragster, the Expert does 02:37.812 in the Sneakster.

DK Tracks

History:

After Kong raced in his first Grand Prix he had a very strong desire to create some tracks of his own outside the Mushroom Kingdom, however he lacked the capital. The currency on DK Island at the time was the Banana, and the population was small and friendly enough to engage in a simplistic bargaining system. Eventually coinage was introduced to the Island, possibly from contact with the Mushroom Kingdom, and it became a very capitalistic society. Kong was eventually able to raise enough to create D.K.'s Jungle Parkway that ran through the Heart of the Kongo Jungle, near where Kong made his home.  Nearby he was also eventually able to construct a track leading from the Kongo Jungle to the nearby Monkey Mountains, using his Barrel Cannon technology to traverse an otherwise impenetrable section of Mountain. This was more recent in the History of DK Island, as the once-chilly Gorilla Glacier had since given way to massive Volcanic Areas.

Kong eventually moved away from the Jungle Tracks on his own Island, perhaps he regretted the influx of Tourism and Mushroom Influence directly on his own land. He staked out the Northern Kremisphere, a huge continent located far North of DK Island, although with plenty of pleasant spots. Through his friend Dixie Kong, he was introduced to Blizzard Bear who had already been attempting to convert some stretches of the base of K3 into Race Courses. Here Kong was able to open up the DK Pass to the Grand Prix, as well as the DK Summit, which was soon infested by vacationing Shy Guys who seem to have an uncanny love for Winter Sports.

The most recent Kong Track innovation has been back to the Jungle, this time very close to DK's home, including a race around his actual house as well as the Holiest of Kong Lands, the Golden Temple, home of the Golden Banana Horde. Although this seems counter-intuitive to the best interests of Kong, it appears as if he has moved his most prized possessions elsewhere, suggesting that its whole presence in the latest Grand Prix is a red herring.

64:

Kong got his first track in MK64, and it's notable for featuring a huge jungle as well as a massive jump, the latter of which would define most DK Tracks in the future. This is also the first Jungle Track, but I decided that there were enough similarities between all of Kong's Personal Courses that the Jungle Tracks should be separate. There's actually plenty of tough turns here, mostly because any error puts drivers in the high grassy median, where they are assaulted by Coconuts until he or she spins out. The narrow bridge, easy shortcut up the dirt cave and the huge jump are the big features here. This track opens up the Special Cup and is difficult enough to deserve that.

This track came back in Wii where the Ghost is Kong himself. He uses the Phantom in 02:58.264 then the Expert comes back with a 02:37.782 in the Flame Flyer. This version is notably wider than the 64 version, and the Coconut Chuckers are also gone for some reason. In general the track is easier, although the Cave shortcut is much steeper and more difficult to pull off without a mushroom.

Double Dash:

DK Mountain in Double Dash is a lot like D.K.'s Jungle Parkway. It's a Jungle Trek with a huge jump, dangerous rocks and a narrow wooden bridge near its finale. There is, of course, a huge difference in its basic layout. It's the first Mario Kart track that was largely linear, with a huge automatic boost that takes most of the course. Wii would use this template plenty, but its inspiration was probably the big jump from 64 (in addition to Royal Raceway). This track closed the Star Cup and as such is similar in Grand Prix location as Jungle Parkway was. There is also a difficult shortcut, jumping over a section of twisty track that has disastrous results for failure. I try to pick someone who can turn and accelerate to nail it, as well as someone who isn't going to bounce and lose tons of speed on the ragged hills. The Boo Pipes seem a good fit.

Double Dash had a series of Secret Staff Ghosts. The Ghost here is Kong driving his own DK Jumbo with Diddy in tow at 2:12:639. This track was the second DK Track to return for Wii, where the Ghost this time is Funky Kong at 02:57.744 in the Wario Bike. The Expert goes 02:38.130 using the Flame Flyer, one of the faster Ghost Combos in the game. The Wii version again features a noticeably wider track and a few Boost Panels. There are so many Barrel Cannon-type levels in Wii that this course had to make an appearance.

DS:

DK Pass is the only Original Snow Course in DS and so shares some characteristics with the Frosty Tracks, like the Terrible Snowmen. It also opens up the Star Cup in DS, which Snow Land did in Super Circuit and Sherbert Land did in Double Dash, belaying the simple fact that every other Game besides Wii has also featured a Frosty Track somewhere in the Star Cup. It also features giant Snowballs, like the Rocks from DK Mountain.

Mostly though, it is a true Mountain course in its layout, with a huge uphill section and then a huge downhill section, which makes it more akin with DK Mountain and DK Summit than any other Frosty Track. In general it's nice to see the makers of Mario Kart realise that there are more locations in the Donkey Kong Games than jungles, and their use of snow, which should have been Gorilla Glacier until Donkey Kong Country Returns got rid of it. This is a tricky course with mostly a limited path of road then snow with some huge drop-offs without a lot of room for error. There are some snow patches to blow through on your way up though. Someone light with good Offroad is important then, otherwise you can speed through this. The Staff Ghost is Kong using the Wildlife in 2:14:607.

This course returns in Mario Kart 7 with more of its ramps offroad to be accessed by mushrooms and tricks and with some Gliding action near the big ending jump. The Ghost is Donkey Kong using the Barrel Train, Wood Wheels, and Super Glider in 02:35.045. This leaves his speed moderate, handling pretty good, and mini-turbo outstanding. The Expert goes 02:16.534 using the Bolt Buggy, Red Monster Wheels and Parafoil, which is a very good combo here. To beat it, something that handles well while succeeding off-road navigator is vital. Go for the Koopa Clown with Red Monster Tires.

Wii:

DK Summit is basically a combination of DK Pass and DK Mountain. It seems like it's a focal point for Winter Sports, including Ski Lifts and Lodges as well as plenty of pesky Snowboarding Shy Guys, who seem like a holdover from the Sherbert Land of Double Dash, which featured them Ice-skating. The Barrel Cannon appears again, this time even sooner than it did on DK Mountain, and the remainder of the Track is a long downward journey, at times turning into a half-pipe down to the bottom. It's a slippery track, I've actually had a whole lot of luck with Bowser driving the Honeycoupe. You don't need someone knocking you into the gaping abyss during Grand Prix. The Ghost here is Kong again, this time using the Standard Bike L in 02:34.693. The Expert uses the Flame Flyer in 02:17.546. This is also the only DK Track to appear in the Flower Cup, and only the second Frosty Track to do so.

It deserves mentioning that Wii's Maple Treeway also features a Barrel Cannon and uses Diddy as its ghost, proving some relation to the DK Tracks. It is such a weird track filled with many more Mushroom Kingdom references though, so we won't talk about it more here.

7:

DK Jungle takes an identical position to D.K.'s Jungle Parkway in MK64, opening up the Special Cup. It lakes a huge barrel jump but does reflect changes Donkey Kong has had within the Nintendo gaming world. It is heavily inspired by Donkey Kong Country Returns and includes many of those enemies as obstacles. There is a river and a big Flower Jump, along with a wood bridge, but none are as distinctive as in D.K.'s Jungle Parkway. Instead, the most distinctive element is the huge Golden Temple that really shifts gameplay in the middle of the track, giving some right angle turns, a series of boost jumps and treacherous falls. There are many tough turns, obstacles and a good amount of air time, anyone with fast air speed, good stability is key. Use the Roller Wheels and Ghastly Glider with whatever Kart fits your play style.

 The Normal Ghost here is Kong himself, using the Bolt Buggy with Red Monster Wheels and the Super Glider in 02:24.040. The Expert goes a 02:10.777 using the Wood Wheels with the Standard and Swoop Glider, which should hurt its air speed. Stick with the above-recommended customization.

DK Jungle returns in Mario Kart 8, in the Banana Cup. It's not tremendously unchanged from 7, especially due to the fact that 8 retained the air travel and jump elements that makes a pretty smooth transition. There is the addition of a large anti-gravity portion in the Golden Temple, which makes the already difficult right-angle turns a bit more complex. The Ghost here is DK once again, pulling a 2:26.900 using the Varmint, Monster Wheels, and Super Glider. The Varmint and the Monster's stats nearly cancel each other out but ends up with slight boosts in traction and min-turbo. There are enough straightaways to favor some pretty fast racers, Sport Bike will do with whatever level of handling you need from the driver.

DK Jr. / Donkey Kong

History:

There have been a few Donkey Kongs over the years. The Original Donkey Kong lived peacfully on his eponymous Island until a young Adventurer, Mario found him, kidnapped him and then kept him as a pet. After years of abuse the Ape broke free, kidnapped Mario's then-beau Pauline and held her for ransom atop Mushroom City, only for Mario to knock him out. As they grew older the Original Donkey Kong eventually retired and soon became more widely known by his nickname, Cranky Kong due to his ornery temperament. His sour attitude likely came from being defeated by Mario all those years ago, tho what the Ape was planning to do with Pauline is questionable. His son, known as DK, Jr. has become an unsteady ally of the Plumber. He was bashful yet powerful, and entered into an early Mario Kart Cup. Since that time though, he has grown up and  successfully taken the mantle of Donkey Kong for himself, forgoing the Junior Suffix.

Kong hails from Donkey Kong Island, which is likely located somewhere on Mushroom World, likely very distant as his path has not crossed with the other Mushroom Folk outside of Great Sports Competitions. When Kong grew up he opened some of his land to Racing, seeing not an opportunity for profit but rather and opportunity to showcase his luscious jungles and give everyone a cool place to party. It's just the Kong way. This greatly displeased the reactionary Cranky Kong.

Super:

Considering DK Jr. and Donkey Kong to be the same character is dangerous - they have never been fully disclosed as such. Either way, they're close enough. SMK ranked all eight of its drivers in four categories, as such DK Jr. was paired with Bowser in "The Showdown" as statistical equals. Each racer had four categories they ranked in, which would all average to equal stats. The Showdown Heavyweights were the only characters whose stats were all extreme - DK Jr. had low acceleration and terrible handling, but very high speed and weight, allowing him to knock other characters around. As a computer he also threw Bananas around. If he was in first according to the SMK Rival System, the other drivers would finish in order of Toad, Bowser, Koopa, Luigi, Peach, Mario and Yoshi. I don't know why his biggest rival is Toad, maybe it's just a Big vs. Small thing. He had no signature course in SMK but would have plenty more in the future.

64:

64 introduced the Re-Designed Kong pioneered by Rareware in Donkey Kong Country. Heavyweights in 64 had low speed, steering and acceleration. This doesn't sound great, but they tended not to slip around like the other Drivers, which was handy on some tight dangerous courses with the use of power sliding. Kong's weight also prevented him from being jostled around by other drivers in Grand Prix Mode. His Kart is yellow.

Super Circuit:

Kong was equal to Wario in Super Circuit. They were both Heavy Drivers, but not as much as Bowser. They also didn't have the lowest speed in the game, merely a few mph behind Mario and Luigi. Still, his acceleration is terrible. They key to using him is to get ahead early and avoid being destroyed by tons of items. Abandon hope in Time Trials however.

Double Dash:

Kong's Ride in Double Dash is the DK Jumbo, a truly, truly terrible Kart. Double Dash emphasized Karts over drivers, the characters determined only Weight Class and whatever Special Item you could get. Each of the 10 Duos had only one special item between them, and since most were of the same Weight Class it wouldn't make much of a difference say, to pick between Toad and Toadette. Kong, a Heavyweight, however, partnered with the Lightweight Diddy, making Diddy basically a version of Donkey Kong that could actually be put into a speedy Kart. That discussion is for the Diddy Page, though, let's talk about the Jumbo:

The Jumbo's acceleration at 3.363 seconds to get from 0 to 40 mph is the worst of any Kart in the Game. That means you'll hardly ever see it get up to 58 mph, which is one of the fastest Top Speeds of the Game. It also loses the most speed on turns, speed that it cannot recover because it's acceleration is terrible. It's also lighter for a Heavy Kart and has absolutely terrible Offroad stats, which is bizarre because its wheels are made out of wood. It belongs in the Jungle!

Kong himself is actually useful, if you plan on being and staying in 1st or 2nd Place for most of the Grand Prix the Giant Banana has a defensive Item is hard to beat. No other Item stays stationary on the track behind you for that long. It's also rare that you'll mess up and hit it yourself. It takes a good shot but it can also be used offensively if you throw it forward and nail someone directly, but more often Kong is made to get into 1st Place and then destroy the competition behind him. Getting into 1st with the Jumbo, though? Not happening.

Kong also has a few Secret Ghosts in this game. He leads with Diddy in the backseat on his own DK Mountain with a time of 2:12:639. Continuing the Jungle Theme for the Primates here, he follows Diddy on Dino Dino Jungle at 2:00:908. Both utilise the DK Jumbo.

DS:

Kong is a decent driver in DS. His speed and drifting abilities are pretty good, meaning he'll never lose all that much once he gets going. The acceleration isn't as poor as in some other games, he's one of the best accelerating Heavyweights, although this still leaves all the Middle and Lightweights ahead of him. In general Kong is always that lighter Heavyweight, he's the compromise between wanting a bigger driver but not all the terrible stats they usually bring. In that regard he can be pretty good. Here are his DS Stats for the three Karts specific to him, the model for all DS Racers:

His best ride at the sacrifice of a good Item stat is the Wildlife. The Rambi Rider is a nice touch though, it took Mario Kart so long to start incorporating greater elements from the Donkey Kong Country Series. His handling is pretty poor with all of these, you need to be a good Drift Artist to master the Kong. He adds about 2.8 to the weight of all his Karts, putting him somewhere between the Middleweights and the Heavier Wario, Bowser, and R.O.B. He has three Staff Ghosts in this game, the first is on Cheep Cheep Beach for some reason, perhaps a nod to Kong's Tropical Nature as well as the Oceanline and Beaches that have been present in plenty of his games. He clocks in at 1:43:654 using the Standard DK. He also comes back in DK Pass at 2:14:607 in the Wildlife and the Retro Moo Moo Farm with a 1:17:751 in the same vehicle. As for the Moo Moo Farm association, the connection between Cows and Apes should be obvious...

Wii:

It's weird that Kong doesn't really have any vehicles in Wii associated with him, although his pal Funky Kong does. Wii featured six Bikes and six Karts of varying stats for each Driver in three separate Size Classes. In addition to this each individual driver adds his or her own personal stats to each Vehicle. The most in any category is 80. Kong, like Mario added +2 in Acceleration and Handling (for once DK has good handling! And Acceleration!) as well as +3 for weight and +3 for Mini-Turbo. He requires an advanced Driver to use him properly, with lots of boosts, these are probably the best Stats he's ever seen. All the Kongs are fantastic in this game, actually, there must be some Rare Fan on Staff. Here are the Kong-Specific Stats for Wii:

His best Bike may be the Phantom, and as far as Karts go the Offroader is decent for Grand Prix Play. Kong has a couple Staff Ghosts as well on his two eponymous Tracks in the game. It's actually interesting that his Normal Staff Ghosts use Bikes and his Experts use Karts. On the DK Summit he pulls a 02:34.693 in the Standard Bike L. On the Retro D.K.'s Jungle Parkway (we can talk about the varying punctuation later) he goes 02:58.264. His Experts are 02:17.546 and 02:37.782 respectively, both with the Flame Flyer.